Until We Bleed
by Drosselmeyer's Ancestor
Summary: ...You're my drug, we live it...We drink the fatal drop, then love until we bleed, then fall apart in parts...  Angstfic! Mainly Izaya. Shizaya implied.


_I'm naked_

_I'm numb_

_I'm stupid_

_I'm staying_

_And if Cupid's got a gun, then he's shootin'._

Lights were flickering; had any meaning? No. Nothing.

The red and blue sirens, the emergency color, red and white.

**Blood is red, and innocence is white.**

If that was the case, Shizuo thought that the car should've been black. Black as the hair on the dying head.

He walks. Whispers float by.

_"You think he did it?"_

_"They hated each other right?"_

_"Maybe he did!"_

_"...You should keep out of his way, who knows when he'll snap again!"_

The hospital, so empty in pitch. The limited range words has, the empty that seeps somehow **into** him, like a disease.

And then, only a moment later as someone almost assures that Izaya will die, he takes the gun in his hands.

And aims it to his head.

_Lights black; heads bang_

_You're my drug._

_**Why?**_

Why did he have to do this? What was it that possessed him to do this? Why did he have to give in? Why?

His heart dripped love, but his words dripped hate.

His eyes said "love me", but his actions always proved otherwise.

When did the world get so blurry? Tears? Were they? He fell to the ground, staring hard into the dirt. The crisp, brown earth, never waiting but always moving; always somehow it got what it wanted.

And now he had the same thing. He had what he had wanted.

But what happens if the earth didn't want it anymore?

He'd take it all back, if he could. This empty, that seeped into the boards of his body like the chill of the wind into an old house, it...

...It suffocated.

Emptiness? Suffocate?

He laughs, brokenly. Broken and battered, tears streaming out of his pale face, pale as death.

Why was it that, while he wasn't the one who had died, he wished he did? Wished he was Shizuo, that the stupid, stupid dead man hadn't missed his aim; something had held him back.

Izaya wanted to know what, because the heart he didn't know he had ached.

It ached, and he cried.

_We live it_

_You're drunk, you need it_

_Real love, I'll give it_

_So we're bound to linger on_

_We drink the fatal drop_

_Then love until we bleed_

_Then fall apart in parts_.

They had both been drunk when it started.

In a bar, both rather leisurely drinking at each of the opposite ends.

Funny, how that had worked. Even without them knowing, they were opposites.

Shinra laughed- Bitterly, chokingly, as if he knew it was a futile effort.

Izaya, Shizuo. Shizuo, Izaya.

Suddenly, both were on each other; a fight as usual.

But when they were thrown out into the alley, still brawling, someone hit someone's mouth.

Izaya didn't tell him who started it, because he wasn't sure himself.

And then in the next moment he remembered, they were on a hotel bed, stripping each other viciously, kissing violently, holding another like it was something they had each longed for.

The violence was never gone, but it added the richness of hate, hate that made love logical. Hate that whispered love and desire and so many things that it was the best a person could've asked for.

All the screaming and pain, worth it.

"Maybe," Shinra had whispered quietly at the time, "love didn't need to be logical."

Izaya had laughed for once, then. Just one short, barking laugh.

" 'Didn't need to be logical?' " He had cackled out. " 'Shinra, do you know who you're talking to?' "

And then the laughter had suddenly ceased, and the eyes went dim again.

'...But maybe you're right.'

_You wasted your times_

_On my heart_

_You've burned_

_And if bridges gotta fall, then you'll fall, too._

And then, Shinra remembers. That was the time things started to get even worse.

Even more violent.

Desperate, even.

Because, Izaya had said, the adrenaline had caused their terrible ordeal to be even better.

The more they fought, the more hot they got, the more things that were thrown and said, the more sensational the touches, the kisses, the HATE got.

It was a cycle, despairing and bound to fail to ruin, and Izaya had figured it out the second time it happened.

This time, he said, Shizuo had started it.

After a particularly heated fight.

Following Shizuo home used to be just a way to get him mad.

But when he followed him inside, Izaya said, a ghost of a bitter smile on his lips, he jumped me. Almost.

"What was it then?" Shinra had inquired, almost disturbed by how this relationship had came to be.

" '...If I hadn't had wanted it, it would've been rape.' " Izaya smiles, but it was just so empty that Shinra had no words then.

" 'But I did want it, I wanted it so badly that when he pushed me onto the door and locked it, I gave in, straight away.' " A sort of chuckle comes out at this, almost as if he remembers a fond memory.

Shinra takes note of it.

'I wish I hadn't wanted it. I wish it was rape. I wish that time, that one time, just never happened.'

He whispers, still smiling.

But tears course down his cheeks.

_Doors slam_

_Lights black_

_You're gone_

_Come back._

They had fights about it before.

Izaya remembers.

He remembers, he had said, because he could feel his nonexistant heart pumping blood into his veins everytime he saw Shizuo.

He had asked why they did this, once and only once to Shizuo. The answer was anger, and something else hidden in the back of golden eyes.

"But did he ever answer?" Shinra asked, at that time.

" 'He said, 'I don't know. But it'd feel strange, to stop now.' " Izaya's bitter at that.

He was bitter at that, Shinra corrects.

" 'Funny, I had said. I thought that Shizuo Heiwajma was the kind of man who'd only do it with someone he loved. ' " Izaya smirks, but it's always the same kind. Lacking something.

" 'He got flustered; and for a second I had thought maybe...The want was the same kind.' " Izaya grins, but,

it's not right.

It's just not right, it was never right, after that. Shinra remembers.

'But I was wrong. As always, about Shizzu-chan.'

_Stay gone_

_Stay clean_

_I need you to need me_.

For a week, he avoided Izaya, avoided going anywhere but home and to work.

Shinra remembers again.

Shizuo was stubborn, and refused to listen.

"Maybe, you don't actually-" Shinra had tried, tried when he had heard about this, before Shizuo had ended.

But every time, without fail, Shizuo had almost pounded his head in with denial.

'NEVER! It'd never be anything but hate for the flea, Izaya...'

Izaya laughs when Shinra tells him this. Then he had whispered, a smile reaching the face, but never the eyes.

" 'So, so very true, Shizzu-chan.' " And vainly, Shinra realizes that, saying that has only, to Izaya, confirmed what he thought.

"Izaya!" Shinra had said. "He loved you, I know it."

Izaya had given a blank stare then.

'...You're so hopeless, Shinra.'

_So we're bound to linger on_

_We drink the fatal drop_

_Then love until we bleed_

_Then fall apart in parts._

A week after what had been playfully and almost ironically named 'Story Time', Izaya's condition took a turn. It seems the lead from a bullet had spread, spread to his heart.

And he had refused, even fought against, getting it treated.

Shinra had threatened to drug him, to allow the chance of life, but the dull color of eyes stopped him.

" 'Shinra, haven't I said it before? You're hopeless.' " Izaya laughs, and laughs, and possibly laughs all that he needs because suddenly he chokes and cries and he's throwing whatever he can get his hands on at the doctor, like a spoiled child.

" 'You know me Shinra. If you don't let me die here, I will find a way to die.' " Delight corners his features, until he's laughing and crying. " 'I'll die like Shizuo did! Hahahaha. No, in fact, I'll just die WITH HIM!' " By this time, the tears are streaming out of his face, and his laughter does nothing but clear the silence in the room. Tears that mingle with wracked sobs, mingle and dance until the speechless doctor leaves the room.

For Izaya to say he'll die with someone, means that nothing in the world will stop him.

And Shinra feels the tear course out of his cheek, and he hastily wipes it away, and starts readying himself for the funeral.

_Now we're bound to linger on_

_We drink the fatal drop_

_Then love until we bleed_

_Then fall apart in parts._

It turns out that Izaya decided that he'd sneak out of his hospital bed and grab a bottle of wine.

He'd go up the staircase to the roof, where the laundry was.

He'd spill almost all the wine on the clean linens, the red looking like blood.

And he cackles and cries and cackles and cries, and the only words that the wind hears and picks up are "Shizuo, Shizuo, Shizuo, Shizuo."

"I loved you."

And then he dies, right there; his body can't take all that he's feeling along with the sudden stress of his heart.

Shinra remembers those days, and he wonders why he didn't stop either of them when he had the chance.

But now there's nothing left of them but gravestones. Graves and gravestones, next to each other.

. . .

_"I loved you, Izaya." And then he pulls his trigger, his world goes black._

_And Shizuo Heiwajma feels everything shut down, and it's agony._

_But it's worth it._

_"...I loved you...Izaya."_

_

* * *

_

OH GODDDDDDDDDD ;n; Angst. Angst. I swear I am addicted to writing angst-fics about these two.  
PORQUOIIIIIIIIIIIIII  
Please, Please, with a cherry on top, listen to the song 'Until We Bleed' by Kleerup feat. Lykke Li when you read this. It...The song just makes it so much more powerful; I seriously almost cried.


End file.
